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Even at 10 years old, I thought that the whole "G.I. Evil Bad Guy want to rule over a vast, nuclear-poisoned wasteland? Where's the fun in that?įull disclosure here: I did not play with G.I. The end game here is we have a villain who says he "wants it all," meaning control of the world, but as is so often the case with these bad guys, first he wants to blow up much of the world, which always has me wondering: Why does Mr. Joe" are like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon from the 1980s, but the PG-13 violence is a little intense for the 7-year-old boys (and girls) who might love this stuff.
The dialogue and exposition scenes in "G.I. I'm sorry, but if you're older than 12 and/or not involved in a serious nostalgia trip, how can you take any of this stuff seriously? Cotrona), Lady Jaye (Adrianne Palicki) and Snake Eyes ( Ray Park) going up against the Cobra Commander, Storm Shadow and Firefly. OK, not bad.īut soon the playing field gets crowded, with Flint (D.J. They engage in semi-witty banter while taking out the enemy, playing video games or hanging with Roadblock's family. We pick up the action in "Retaliation" with some generic buddy-movie bonding between Duke (Channing Tatum) and Roadblock ( Dwayne Johnson). Sure, there are all kinds of cool toys and breathtaking mountain-side fight sequences and guns-and-against swords nonsense, but they're all so clearly fake, so clearly concocted in the CGI lab, that we're bored when we should be saying, "holy bleep."
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Joe: The Rise of Cobra" (2009), at least had a sense of its own absurdity, but the sequel is a heavy-handed, explosion-riddled, ear-piercing disaster with an insanely stupid plot and an endless stream of mostly generic fight sequences that straddle the PG-13 line. In the tradition of " Transformers" (just kidding about the "tradition" part), this franchise is of course based on a collection of toys, so it's not as if we're expecting " Zero Dark Thirty." The first installment, " G.I. Like a Dumpster bin behind Tiffany's, this contains nothing but well-packaged garbage. Joe: Retaliation" is a video game for the big screen is to insult a number of video games that are far more creative, challenging and better-looking. Tatum: "I've got to talk to my agent about these 'must appear in the sequel' contracts."Īdrianne Palicki: "Hey everybody, remember me? I was on 'Friday Night Lights'! That show had actual writing!" How many times am I going to have to walk in slow motion with flames bursting all around me? Am I going to do be doing this when I'm 70?" Johnson: "I know they're going to turn this scene into a slow-motion group-walk in the editing.